


A Summer of Knowing A Man

by junxouji



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Mentions Of Infidelity, Romance, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-22
Updated: 2016-10-22
Packaged: 2018-08-24 00:42:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,618
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8349514
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/junxouji/pseuds/junxouji
Summary: It was a summer of indefiniteness, passion, and infidelity. It was something neither of them could quite push from their minds. Yet, when Chanyeol goes to search for Jongin not able to get the taste of him from his mouth he finds something he didn't expect. It turns out the Jongin of his fantasies are a lie but even knowing the truth he doesn't want to let go.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I originally wrote this back on Dec 2, 2014. It's been such a _LONG_ time and it had been just sitting in my folder not uploaded here. So, keep in mind this is ridiculously old and does not reflect my current writing style. Enjoy!

“Why do all your characters die? I mean, it’s kind of habit to leave your readers in tears right? There is never a happy ending.” The reporter says as Jongin watches them curiously.

 

“We often forget that in life, things do not always end happily.” Jongin says, “If you’re asking why Daebum died in my latest book-- it’s because that book particularly was about nostalgia and my desire for the feelings of my past to vanish as well. I guess I thought with Daebum’s death, that my memories that I based it on would die too. I suppose that’s very childish of me, right?”

 

But sitting in front of the rows of reporters famous novelist Jongin paused and his hand came to his eyes. There was a outroar of flashing cameras and murmuring voices when the men and women realized that tears were falling down Jongin’s handsome face, the tears of a broken man who had spilled his soul out in a book. Yet, as always no one seemed to understand the words written perfectly on the pristine white pages. He had handed them his soul yet no one  _ got _ it. 

 

\---- 

 

He stares longingly at the only real proof that summer even happened. At times Jongin swears he can taste Chanyeol lingering on his tongue. A forlorn sigh escaped him as he remembers the vivid vanilla skin that had a burning aftertaste. It only been three months but it had been the best three months he could ever imagined.

 

Jongin had went to Seoul to get his book published. After writing horror novels on the countryside he had wanted a taste of city life, even if only momentary and fleeting. It was what he expected and at the same time more than he could bargain for. The city noise was something he couldn’t get use to. And it’s the charming smile that draws him in too easily.

 

Jongin runs a hand through his inky dark locks. He stares at the blank page of his opened document on the worn computer screen. It’s the reminder of fading glory, the pressure of any best selling novelist feels after one successful book. He desperately needs a shower, a haircut and food in his stomach. Jongin has always been bad with pressure.

 

He stands up, barefeet hitting the cold wood of his country home’s floor, a shiver running up his spine. He really needs to call his manager to get him to bring someone to install a electric furnace because the wooden one keeps going out.

 

He walks from his laptop to the window of the grand home. The view has always been beautiful. It didn’t matter if the winter was encasing the once green and vibrant fields with it’s blankets of numbing lack of color. The winter tastes bitter to him now-- too cold, too lonely, and too devoid of anything he had over the summer.

 

Seoul had been a whirlwind of things. He had his first and last romance in the noisy, loud, and fruitless city. Jongin was honestly an easy victim, he had to admit. How many times had he willingly allowed Chanyeol to prance in his hotel room and take him by the faux fireplace?

 

Jongin had been naive and a clumsy lover. The heat of the taller man’s kisses had made him drunk. When Chanyeol had asked him to bend, he had done so. When Chanyeol pressed his fingers too roughly against the span of his hips, he hadn’t ask him to stop.

 

Naturally, he was grateful for the winter. It was just a reminder of an ending affair Jongin’s heart couldn’t bear to think about. Jongin pulled the hanging sweater from his shoulder up and turned to go sit back at his laptop.

 

And he did what he did best,  _ he wrote. _

  
  
  
  


Manager Soo was a scary guy-- even for someone who wrote terrifying stories for a living. The wide eyes stared into Jongin’s soul as he handed over the flash drive slowly to his editor and manager.

 

Kyungsoo stared at him for a long time before actually speaking, “Is it done this time?” He asked flatly, “Because I don’t want to have drive here tomorrow because you gave me a empty flash drive again.”

 

Jongin’s lips curved upwards into a smile. “It’s finished.” He said simply pouring himself another mug of coffee. It seemed these days he lived on coffee.

 

Kyungsoo’s eyes narrowed. “When is the last time you ate something that wasn’t instant noodles?” He asked, “Jongin, I know you’re one of those emotionally dark individuals who work better when they live in creepy homes in the middle of nowhere with no one around  _ but _ don’t you think this is a little overboard?”

 

Jongin looked at him ignoring his first question because he was right and his second one caught him off guard. “I don’t know what you’re implying.” He said, “I like my ‘creepy’ home. I am a horror novelist Kyungsoo. I don’t know what you expect. Rainbows and merry?”

 

“Just because you write depressing things doesn’t mean you have to live like a hermit! You don’t even properly take care of yourself. When is the last time you’ve been outside? I bring you your groceries, your dry cleaning-- don’t you dare lie to me.”

 

Jongin chewed his lip, “Why must you overanalyze everything? I’m  _ fine _ . I’m happy. I’m okay. And most importantly I am meeting all the deadlines, right?” It was a half-truth, half-lie. Because he  _ was _ okay. He wasn’t dying. But he wasn’t exactly  _ happy _ .

 

“I just want you to quit moping over that guy because this is drastic even for  _ you _ .” Kyungsoo bites out and Jongin looks wounded for a second.

 

It’s kind of an unspoken agreement not to speak of Chanyeol. Jongin sucks in a breath and turns from Kyungsoo in the tiny kitchen with flower printed wallpaper and floral colored tiles.

 

“I didn’t mean--” Kyungsoo begins but Jongin cuts him off.

 

“You meant what you said. You don’t need to apologize on my behalf.” Jongin says slowly, “And I don’t need your worry. I was fine  _ before  _ him and I will be fine  _ after  _ him.”

 

“You could at least call him back you know-- he’s been harassing me at the company. He keeps coming into the office demanding to know where you live.” Kyungsoo said.

 

Jongin turns to him and balanty says, “If you tell him, I’ll fire you.”

  
  
  


<< _ page 1 _

 

His fingers pressed too harshly against his waist, Jongin knew it wasn’t intentional but sometimes Chanyeol got carried away from excitement. From the feverish way Jongin  _ made _ him feel.

 

“You’re not smiling.” Chanyeol’s murmur comes from his side. They laid soaked in the aftermath of what should have been passionate lovemaking but rather rushed and sloppy fumbling touches.

 

“I’ve already told you,” Jongin mutters, “I’m tired of  _ this _ . It may not bother you that I’m leaving in days but it’s killing me knowing I’m going to go back to how I was before you. Doesn’t it bother you to spend so much time with one person then watch them seemingly disappear into thin air?”

 

“Yes.” Chanyeol admitted, “But what can I do? You won’t stay here with me. You won’t let me follow you. What am I supposed to do? Feel pity, feel bad when I’ve offered you everything I could?”

 

Jongin scowled. “Don’t make this about me! You have a  _ girlfriend! _ I’m your mistress! Do you think anyone wants to be the reason someone broke up?”

 

“And I’ve told you Jongin, it’s not your fault for this mess. It’s mine and that I would take responsibility over everything I’ve done. If you want to be with me you have to say and accept it for what is is.”

 

Jongin sits up angrily pulling the blanket over his nude waist. “And what will you tell her? You fell in love with a pathetic country boy?” 

 

“Yes.” Chanyeol says, “That I fell in love with a guy who fails to see his worth. I will apologize for hurting her and doing something as unforgivable as being unfaithful-- but even knowing it you didn’t walk away. You accepted me, lured me, gave me false hopes. Now you’re angry because I didn’t meet you first.”

 

Jongin’s cheeks inflamed. “You didn’t have to smile at me so damn much when you’re dating someone already! You didn’t have to fucking charm my pants off. And you certainly didn’t have to sleep with me.”

 

Chanyeol sighs. “I went about this the wrong way. But it doesn’t change how I feel for you and what I’m willing to do for you.”

 

>>

  
  


Jongin keeps his number the same. It’s the only way he gets to hear Chanyeol’s voice anymore. The voicemails keep coming. They’re always light, begging just to speak to him and for another chance. It’s only one night Jongin is groggy from staying up writing all night that he accidentally answers the phone early in the morning before the sun had even come out.

 

“Hello?” He asks quietly not bothering to check the caller ID. He rubbed his eyes as he rolled over onto his side in his slightly chilly bed.

 

“Jongin-ah.” The gruff, deep voice he knew so well said. But there was a certain oddness to it. Chanyeol voice was slurred and slightly an octave higher than usual.

 

His skin felt ice cold. Thinking about Chanyeol was always thoroughly unpleasant and most days Jongin managed to barely push him from his mind. But speaking to him after so long was like being hit with cold water. He was suddenly alert and more importantly the hurt still hummed through his chest.

 

“Are you drunk Chanyeol?” Jongin asked quietly because he wasn’t a fool to think it was a one-sided hurt. His smiling giant must be so lost right now to be drinking at his hour.

 

“Maybe.” Chanyeol admitted his voice much more even than Jongin felt, “I miss you. Oh  _ god, _ I miss you  _ so _ much. I would do anything, a-anything just to have you back.”

 

“It’s a little too late for that don’t you think? Why don’t you go rest Chanyeol? You’ll need to sleep off your hangover okay? Don’t call me anymore. I have nothing left to feel, nothing left to say, just  _ nothing _ . Tell Taeyeon I said hi, alright?” And he hangs up. He knows he’s cruel to mention her but Jongin cannot help but be satisfied he’s hurting. How much had Jongin hurt? How much had he cried? How many times had he called Chanyeol and gotten no reply?

 

He deserved the hurt, Jongin thought. He  _ earned _ it.

  
  
  


The first interview since the fateful day no one is allowed to mention in the publishing company comes. Jongin threatens to leave them for the other publishers knocking at his door to take his books if anyone so much as throws him a pitying look. Because they all  _ know _ but no one has the courage to say anything to the hostile Jongin. But to their surprise Jongin only sits quietly at the interview letting Kyungsoo direct the questioning. They want to know about the book, about the characters and how long it’s going to take him to get it out.

 

Once Kyungsoo gives him the green light he speaks, “It’s a personal memoir of sorts. Of my experience with love and with hurt. That’s really all. My soul written in ink.” And he declines any more prying questions.

 

Kyungsoo pats him on the back when they’re done. Despite Kyungsoo being a hard ass most the time his manager only looks out for him. And for that he’s grateful because the only person who has Jongin’s best interest in mind isn’t Jongin.

  
  


Jongin publishes the book a few weeks later. As expected the sells are great. But Jongin feels empty despite the positive reviews for what seems to be his  _ greatest  _  book yet. Because how do you get better than your  _ greatest _ ? Isn’t there a threshold to success? Has he only came up this high to plummet back down?

 

“Don’t worry so much,” Kyungsoo says one evening when he convinces Jongin to live his country home for a day of errands out in the city. “You’ll get inspired one day and write again.”   
  
Jongin wants to say he’s only inspired when he’s hurting but he’s tired of hurting. He wants to feel complete once again.

 

And Chanyeol has stopped calling.

 

\---- 

 

<<

 

“I often wonder what it’s like to lose something you care deeply about. Would I feel deprived of a sun only to wilt into crumbles of the remains of who I once was? Would I be extinguished, no longer a flame, but a charred wick of bitterness and melodrama? Would I lose my will and my passion? But no one, not even the great novelist who wrote so eloquently and filled my dead days with some form of solace, could describe in accuracy how  _ empty _ and how  _ alone  _ I felt. I was a shadow, a reminder of my former glory-- only lackluster and less magnificent. No one could never describe how much  _ pain _ I felt. The dull ache of what wasn’t there anyone.”

 

>>

  
  
  


Jongin knew something was wrong when he entered the office of the publishing company he wrote for and Kyungsoo refused to look in his eyes. Kyungsoo was straightforward and always brass about his feelings, only when he felt guilt did he shy away from Jongin’s knowing gaze. Matter of fact, it was very quiet in the office. The editor Yixing wasn’t to be seen and the company owner Junmyeon didn’t greet him happily as he often did but disappeared into his office when he spotted Jongin.

 

“What’s going on?” Jongin asked reaching the small desk assigned to Kyungsoo. The shorter male stiffened visibly.

 

Something odd was going on that was for certain.

 

“Uh-- Yixing wants to see you.” Kyungsoo said slowly, “You shouldn’t keep him waiting. He looks quite troubled.”

 

Jongin’s brows knotted. Because Yixing would have no reason to be upset with him. He had met all the deadlines and even when he didn’t Yixing was usually the most understanding in the small independent company.

 

Jongin turned without another question because he was sure Kyungsoo wouldn’t have answered him anyway. He rubbed his eyes as his bones grew weary. He hated the city. It wore him out and made him unnecessarily anxious.

 

Opening the small office of the editor Jongin knew something was up. First and foremost Yixing wasn’t there. The usually lively office was dark, the shades closed, and it wasn’t warm or inviting. And Chanyeol stood rather awkwardly in the center of the office looking partially fearful and sickly as if he was going to vomit.

 

Jongin instantly knew he had been doped by his coworkers and this was an intervention of some sorts. Only he was not one bit of interested. He paled and turned on his heels but Chanyeol’s voice resonated in the small office.

 

“Jongin, just please.” Chanyeol says, “Hear me out.”

 

Jongin, with his back turned to Chanyeol, let himself break just for a second. He bite his lip harshly to keep his whine in. His eyes closed briefly, as quick as a blink, as the hot tears sprouted from his eyes.

 

He wasn’t ready for this. But he was fully aware he’d  _ never _ be ready to face Chanyeol. He builds his walls carefully back up and when he’s confident he won’t break down in front of the other he turns facing the man who had destroyed him. Completely.

 

“Wasn’t the indications of me not answering your calls enough for you?” Jongin demands. “Showing up here is  _ shameless _ even for  _ you _ .” He knows his words are barbed with more hurt than he likes and not enough malice. He desperately wants to  _ hurt _ Chanyeol just so he knows what he’s been feeling all these months.

 

Chanyeol knows the implications of his words and has the nerve to indeed look guilty. “I know I hurt you Jongin, I know and I’m so sorry--”

 

“The thing is you  _ don’t _ know.” Jongin snaps, “You know nothing!” He feels the anger of all those months raising up in his chest. All he knows is that it’s better than crying pathetically for the other. “After everything you promised me--  _ after _ fucking everything! You made your decision clear and didn’t even have the audacity to say goodbye properly. Do you know how many times Kyungsoo has stayed the night with me just to pet my hair when I couldn’t stop crying? Foolish, naive, country Jongin-- how did it feel? To so thoroughly break my heart?”

 

Chanyeol looks uncomfortable. As if his cheeks were used to smiling but couldn’t bear to smile in that second-- as if the weight of the world was on his shoulders in those few seconds. “What could I do Jongin? You had swore to me you didn’t want us to work out and she came to crying saying that she was pregnant. My parents, her parents, a kid? I thought you  _ didn’t _ want me. I made the choice I knew I had to.”

 

Jongin scoffs. “For a man who says he loved me you know absolutely nothing about me.” Jongin spat. Jongin’s pride wouldn’t allow him to ask Chanyeol to stay with him. But he had used his body to speak for him. Holding Chanyeol desperately when making love, sucking him in so eagerly, the blushes Jongin tried to hide when the other was near, the hateful remarks about Chanyeol being a “giant idiot” when Jongin got embarrassed or flustered… Hadn’t he seen it? Everyone else had.

 

“You wouldn’t let me know anything.” Chanyeol said. “You blame it on me and yes, I did make a lot of mistakes. But you never tried to make anything work with me when I tried to fix them. I hurt you, I fucked up bad, but all you ever did was yell and tell me to go.”

 

“What else was I supposed to say? You were with  _ her _ , having a child Chanyeol. What type of idiot is gay but knocks up a woman?” Jongin demanded. “Do you know how stupid I felt to believe everything you said to me?”

 

“I meant it all,” Chanyeol says and his voice is much more desperately. “I meant every word. You didn’t give me any real choice. I  _ still  _ mean it.” He swallows. “You don’t know how much I missed you. Every day as I had to stay with her, I missed you-- a month ago she confessed to me she had made up the pregnancy because she found out about you. It was to keep me by her side.”

 

“Is that suppose to change anything you bastard?” Jongin demanded. “Am I supposed to fall back into your arms now that you’re not tied down to a woman?”

 

Chanyeol’s lips quirked up in a empty huff, “I wish it was that easy.” He says, “I just want you to quit avoiding me. Let’s go back to being friends. We don’t have to be lovers anymore but I cannot bear not being friends.”

 

Jongin was caught in the middle. He wanted to desperately to punch the other and just accept it. Could it hurt anyone  _ more _ to simply be by his side?

 

“Friends is pushing it.” Jongin says, “But I won’t ignore you.” Because the truth was that Jongin would much rather him suffer with him than alone. He could bring him the misery he rightfully deserved.

 

Anyway, he had three coworkers to beat the shit out of.

  
  


Seeing Chanyeol again was odd. The days Jongin would actually come into the city to head to the office to get his work checked by Yixing or Junmyeon, Chanyeol would always be there with lunch or sometimes flowers. Jongin suspected it was Kyungsoo’s doing. Even more often would Chanyeol show up at his home outside of Seoul with a box of pizza and a bottle of wine.

 

Jongin tried to be reasonable. He didn’t want to cave into the other so quickly. There were nights watching the stupid movies Chanyeol rented sipping the peach flavored wine and cheese pizza the other knew he loved he would suddenly turn to Chanyeol and hit him. He’d punch his arm, lash out and kick him, and cry-- and all Chanyeol would do is pull him closer and rub his hair as he banged his hands on the other’s chest just demanding to know  _ why _ . 

 

_ Why, why, _ why? Why hadn’t Jongin been enough?

 

Afterwards Chanyeol wouldn’t mention it, Jongin would sniff and say he was going to bed. He told Chanyeol to let himself out and lock the door. He would brush past his watchful poodles and fall on his bed emotionally exhausted. Jongin pretends to not notice Chanyeol’s footsteps coming closer to his bedroom door and his shadow lurking under the door frame. Somedays he was scared the other would come in but he never did. Instead he would walk away after a couple of minutes and a few more would pass before Jongin heard his car pulling from his driveway.

 

They fell into some type of pattern. Kyungsoo would come over to get his new manuscripts and Chanyeol would be over making Italian in his kitchen. Kyungsoo’s brow rose but he said nothing but scolded Jongin for not being done with his work on time.

 

Chanyeol tried hard to stay in his good graces. On Christmas when Jongin was forced to go to a company dinner, Chanyeol accompanied him. Jongin smiled, shook hands, said his  _ thank you _ s when people complimented his newest book.

 

It was when Junmyeon’s attractive and single sister had approached Chanyeol that his jealousy spiked. Taeyeon had caressed his arm boldly and Chanyeol was busy laughing stupidly at something she said when Jongin sauntered over eyes intent on murder.

 

“Jongin-ah,” Chanyeol said, “She was just telling me about the time she--” His voice was too happy, too cheerful. And it hurt knowing Jongin hadn’t heard that much sincere happiness from Chanyeol when he was near him. Jongin couldn’t pretend to not notice the look of longing Chanyeol often casted his way when he thought Jongin wasn’t paying attention. Or the excuses for touches.

 

Jongin only saw red as he grabbed Chanyeol’s hand, big as he remembered and just as warm, jerking him. “He’s otherwise engaged at the moment Miss. Kim.” He hissed slowly and tugged Chanyeol in the corner of the room.

 

“Jongin.. are you drunk?” Chanyeol asked after moment, his knowing eyes on Jongin’s flushed face and wobbly walk.

 

But the truth was Jongin couldn’t endure Chanyeol’s presence as well as he thought. So, he had drunk everything in sight to numb the pang in his chest. “You giant idiot! You beg me for forgiveness and then flirt shamelessly with my boss’ sister?” Jongin demanded angrily, “You’re so stupid! Why did I even tolerate the idea of you?”

 

“Jongin, you’re drunk. Why don’t you let me take you home?” Chanyeol asked gently trying to pry Jongin’s hand off of him so he could get the other to walk forward some again. “Jongin-ah, come on. We can talk later and you can hit me all you like. I don’t want any of the reporters to hear you like this.”

 

Jongin yanked himself from the other’s grip. “Fuck you. I don’t want to see you again! I’m tired of all of these feelings associated with you. I can get myself home you  lewd tall bastard!”

 

But Chanyeol wasn’t going to let himself be pushed aside. He grabbed the other’s arm more possessively and didn’t bother to tell Jongin to stop struggling. Instead he quite literally dragged Jongin out forcing him into the passenger seat and buckling him.

 

Jongin said every vulgar word in his vocabulary. And Jongin was a writer so he knew many.

 

“Shut up!” Chanyeol finally barked once he started the car. His eyes narrowed turning to Jongin. “What do you want from me? No matter what I do or say I make you angry. No matter how hard I try to prove myself to you, it’s never enough. Instead you flirt with guys in front of me, abuse me verbally left and right, and when someone so much as laughs with me you puff up like some territorial animal or something.” Chanyeol took a deep breath, “You’re cruel. I understand wanting payback but how long must I endure this?”

 

“I won’t ever trust you gain.” Jongin admitted, his head suddenly too light and his world much too dizzy for his liking. “Never going to love you like --fore.”

  
  


Jongin wakes up with a headache and feeling overheated. He knows one thing for certain. It’s still night. The dark room confirms that and the blinking red 10PM on his clock reaffirms it. He muffles a groan as he tries to move but a warmness is encasing him. He peaks his eyes open and Chanyeol is next to him clinging to him with his long limbs.

 

“CHANYEOL!” Jongin shouts his ears start ringing from the loudness and he feels the urge to vomit. God, how it sucked to be hung over.

 

“Why are you yelling?” the other asks groggy as if it was the most normal thing in the world to wake up next to Jongin.

 

“GET OUT.” Jongin belts as he brings his leg out to kick the other but Chanyeol too aware and too knowing of Jongin’s personality and catches his leg. The other’s hand pressed hard onto his thigh to prevent the other’s attack. But when he goes to hit him Chanyeol successfully rolls his weight onto him to prevent himself from being hit by crushing his weight on Jongin.

 

It’s only a second realizes how  _ much _ he notices Chanyeol’s body before Jongin is writhing to get the other off him. Chanyeol’s firm hands still locked onto his thigh. It’s when Chanyeol shifts his weight slightly he feels something  _ poking _ him in the stomach and Jongin blushes.

 

“Chanyeol you horny uncontrolled bastard get the fuck--” Jongin begins but the other’s lips cover his own. Chanyeol has always been a rough kisser. He bites and nips and Jongin is gasping for air too quickly turning his face from the other. Chanyeol’s lips linger on his jaw before he pulls his weight off and plants himself right beside Jongin, gripping the other’s waist so he cannot pull away as he presses his chest to Jongin’s back.

 

Neither speak for a moment.

 

They just bask in the after slow of sexual tension. Neither too sure what the other is thinking at that moment.

 

It’s only when Jongin presses back he feels the reminders of the other’s arousal slide between his thighs and his eyes squint close. “C-Chanyeol--”

 

“I’m not going to do anything. Just go back to sleep. It’s going to go away soon.” Chanyeol mutters sleepy but voice slightly husky.

 

“Only an idiot would get turned on by my anger.”  Jongin mutters grumpily.

 

“I never claimed to be smart. That has always been your job between us.” Chanyeol said and pressed his face into Jongin’s neck. The slow relaxing breaths manage to coax Jongin into a trance, his eyes heavy and his breathing slowing. It’s only when he can no longer keep his eyes open from tiredness that he feels a small kiss on the nape of his neck and Chanyeol’s weight leaving the bed.

 

He wants to tell Chanyeol to stay with him and not go home but he knows his pride prevents him from saying the words. So instead, he sleeps. Only to wake to realize Chanyeol had been going to use the bathroom and had returned as he slept.

 

He wakes with a tiny smile. Because he's  _ there. _

  
  


\---- 


End file.
